Coming Out ep. 1: Why I Haven't Come Out Yet

Bournemouth Pride Parade 2018

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We don’t see many gay people realising they’re actually straight when they’re 40 because society didn’t tell them they should be gay instead. This was what I have just realised. And why I am still not out with my family. I wasn’t told it was okay by my family. They simply thought, all my life, I’d be with a man in the end. I didn’t know I could be gay, but now I know it was unavoidable for me.

I grew up feminine. And currently, I am still very feminine. I don’t seem gay, I’ not some butch stereotype where you can definitely tell that yes “she’s a lesbian.” You might assume I’m straight. And my family definitely do.

All my life I was expected to be something I couldn’t fulfill, but now I am at a stage where I am unafraid to admit that to myself, but the words, “I’m gay”, get stuck in my throat when I’m around the people I love. I’ve had no issue telling people I like girls since I was 12 years old. All my friends, strangers. Who cared? My generation usually were fine with it. Yes, there were some jokes about me being a virgin all my life. Yes, some girls looked uncomfortable about having me in the same changing room for P.E as them. Yes, I had so many people ask me invasive questions about sex when I didn’t even know them.

But my family is filled with the older generation; I’ve been instilled with the fear of rejection if they ever learned the truth. When I was younger, and gay marriage was a heated debate in the news, my grandmother told me “all gay people should be put on an island to die out.” In time, I learnt that she could never know, but I could tolerate her. When it should have been the other way around. My grandfather probably has the same view, but I don’t want to lose him because I am myself. I don’t like hiding but I can’t handle the consequences if I tell them. One of my aunts might think I’m confused, or laugh at how ridiculous it would be for two women to be together (seeing as she gets genuinely shocked that my mum is the one to mow the lawn and not my dad).

So why am I not out yet? I’m terrified of change. I won’t be rejected, but it will all change; I will be judged for who i am because they thought they knew me. Apparently who I sleep with and love changes me in their eyes? I don’t think this will be the case with a lot of my family. But being looked at differently makes my stomach squirm. The thought of sitting each of my family members down to tell them makes me want to run in the opposite direction. I’m not the type to have a heart to heart chat with them. Often I just know I could go my whole life not saying anything I’m so proud I won;t discuss my feelings.

The people I have come out to recently have said “I’ve always known” or “I knew it!” Everyone else expected it, but my family wouldn’t have.

All my life I’ve been expected to date boys, marry a man, have kids with him. But I never felt comfortable. I tried to imagine it; tried to be with men. I was curious about how I actually felt towards the opposite sex, but I knew I liked girls so much more than I could ever like a man. So I tried to be bisexual. I couldn’t even have sex with a man.

After that relationship, I had no choice but to reflect on my sexuality. How uncomfortable and upset I got about being with a man sexually. How romantic adventures made me uncomfortable. How much I wanted us to treat each other more like friends than anything.

Suddenly, it hit me. I am a lesbian.

Since that realisation, straight sex doesn’t make me uncomfortable to joke about (I hated the thought that I had to do it), the idea of having kids one day and getting married is a huge possibility in my life, knowing I’d be raising that child with a woman. Everything has become comfortable and right for me. My mind has calmed down.

And yes, I won’t be out this pride. I may not even be out next pride. But one day I won’t fear the change. I will face the way my family will see me as different. I won’t care if some of my family members think it’s a phase or if it’s wrong. One day I’ll have the courage to tell the truth. But in the meantime that doesn’t make me any less myself.