Coming Out ep.2: Coming Out to Yourself

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The first stage is admiting it.

So this may seem like an easy one to do, but it's probably the hardest one. Coming out myself was a very on and off, denial-driven, hell-hole and I hated it. I didn't take it well the first time, let's just say. I said "oh shit, I'm a lesbian" and proceeded to burst in to tears. Haven't had a reaction like that from anyone for a while, but then again, I haven't told my parents yet. There's still hope for some drama.

You see, we like to deny to ourselves who we truly are because sometimes, and don't shy away from this crazy concept, we hate outselves. It's not fun to realise that you are what you wish you weren't. But, to be honest, I wish I could tell my younger self to chill out about labels, no one really cares what you are, and it doesn't change how queer you are, etc.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate gay people, that wasn't why I was crying. Growing up, I didn't see people like me anywhere, and when I did I was the butt of the joke, I was "weird" at school, or I was whispered about by my family. It didn't send a positive message to me, not a bad one, but not amazing either. I saw plenty of gay men in media, etc. There was even a trans girl in the boys' school next to ours, who sadly got bullied a lot and wasn't allowed to switch to our school because they were still legally a boy.

I am thankful, though, that I was brought up in Bourenmouth, as the gay community is thriving and welcomed there (we even have an LGBT friendly Cafe, so you can find places to go even when you're underage and can't drink or go clubbing!). We also have a whole part of Bournemouth (The Triangle) which is pretty much gay central, all the clubs, bars and shops you could want. Except I'd love an LGBT bookshop, but that's just me (maybe I'll be the one to implement that in my home town, out of pure frustration. If the degree ends in the toilet, and we move back home, we may just have to out of sheer boredom.

Bourenmouth Pride Parade 2018

I took away from my family's views, which weren't bad, they just weren't explicit, that I was meant to be a secret; that it was "innapropriate" to like girls so publicly. I see it sometimes in people if I openly talk about being a lesbian. It baffles me that I can get uncomfortable too, still, in 2019. I suppose it's the word, but that's a whole other blog post.

But, with this in mind, I couldn't deny I liked girls. Never. So I tried to like boys again and be bi. I wasn't veyr good at convincing myself, but for a while I suppose I was (sexuality is fluid after all), but it just couldn't compare to being with girls. In fact, if your sexual fantasies about men can somtimes feel forced, or they're unconventional, it's a sign you too are repressing how gay you actually are. With men, I hated when they were romantic, and I only liked anything sexual with them if it was just that (being sexual, not being sexual with a man specific - you can fall in love with the idea of sex, and try to ignore the sex of the person you're with for so long). Not that I let that go far, whereas with girls everything felt easy and just fell in to place (I'm not talking about sex anymore, get your head out of the gutter).

After bad experiences, I analysed how I've always felt, finally. Confronting a part of myself I acted so open about, and tested the waters. I needed confirmation. I didn't want to come out again as bi if I got it wrong down the lane, as that happened before (however, am much more forced bi-ness).

When I was out with some friends at a club in Oxford, I began a scientific discovery that ended with the results I'm sure will shock you.

The FLIRT cafe/bar in Bournemouth Triangle (that I highly reccomend - it is a funky place)

I picked a guy and a girl I wasn't attracted to and kissed them both.

And I couldn't hide that I am a lesbian.

Even after this, I found it hard to come out to myself. I felt like I was missing out, that with men you get a simpler way of things (the man asks the girl out, sex is obvious and straight people get all the good rom-coms that your friends will watch with you - when do you ever get to see a lesbian romance with your straight friends?) But, after some time I realised that I wasn't happy playing a part that didn't suit me. When friends made jokes or hinted at me getting with a guy it made me uncomfortable, the whole idea of it! I sat myself down and decided to be myself, in full.

It will take you years to realise, but forever to admit it to yourself. When you come out to friends and they ask "are you sure?" they have no idea how long it has taken for you to say those words.

After all, coming out isn't just telling someone a secret, it's adjusting to a life you tried not to have.